trapped in the cage
this week feels like a neverending battle between my mind and my heart. i feel like i had this specific nightmare that happened a few days ago...well it didn't start as a nightmare that i dreamed of; it actually started as a nerve-racking thought during my work shift.
at my work shift, i started to imagine a particular person...let's just say they will be named "bow" for now so it would be easier that way. in my imagining thought, i saw bow dm'ing me to tell why one of my friends had blocked bow. i proceed to ignore that dm because why on earth do you need their reasoning they blocked you? i didn't see that thought come to my head again until i took a nap after work.
this is where i start having this realistic nightmare about bow again, only this time they start begging me and pushing my buttons. all of this begging has driven me insane and i ended up blurting out my "reasoning" to bow. this is the horrifying part where bow would outright attack one of my friends in dm, saying heartless things to them like blaming them for all the suffering that bow has dealt with. i couldn't handle all of this stressful situation so i ended up waking up, shaking a bit.
it feels weird and yet horrifying that i dreamt something so realistic that it could happen to me at some point. i thought i could spend the rest of the night reading stories online when suddenly i heard a discord ping from bow...stating that they needed s/o who is close to one of my friends, telling why they have blocked bow. this is the part where my nightmare became a reality...
i couldn't believe my eyes to why bow needed to do something so drastic that could further hurt their mentality not only to themself but to anyone who has interactions with bow.... at the same time, i felt frustrated at bow. my frustrations with bow have manifested so much that i wish i could shout:
LEAVE MY FRIENDS ALONE!!! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHY YOU ARE BLOCKED BY THEM
i am trying very hard to have patience with bow because i am fully aware that they are struggling to have their friendship intact. however, i do not approve of this type of harassment that bow is doing, even if it's not their intention to harass my friends.
i felt my skin crawling in witnessing this event as i stared at my laptop screen, feeling all the void that consumed my inside. i just don't get people trying to reach out to s/o and begging them to state their reasoning why they are blocked it's none of their business to know why.
after my nervous breakdown, i tried to do whatever i could to keep myself calm at nighttime. i resort to listening to one of my favorite bands and get myself an itsy, bitsy treat to dig in. once the clock strikes at midnight, i end up going to sleep, hoping that this reality of a nightmare will go away.
i unfortunately do not know if this nightmare i am living in will actually go away soon because i still see this issue happening this week, and even today as i am typing this. it sucks that i have to deal with this. i am scared that at some point, bow will personally dm me something that would rise up my nervousness high...people can be so difficult when it comes to being blocked...